


Requiem for a Mosquito Collector

by Redrikki



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Gen, Wakes & Funerals, Yuletide, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:20:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redrikki/pseuds/Redrikki
Summary: Derek’s funeral was super awkward. Not quite as awkward as returning Derek’s mom’s van after leaving her son to die in a house full of angry vampires, but it was still pretty bad.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 23
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Requiem for a Mosquito Collector

**Author's Note:**

  * For [htbthomas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/htbthomas/gifts).



Derek’s funeral was super awkward. Not quite as awkward as returning Derek’s mom’s van after leaving her son to die in a house full of angry vampires, but it was still pretty bad. Guillermo stumbled in five minutes late with a film crew. Every head in the church turned in their direction as the door slammed shut behind them. He would have gladly just slunk into a pew by the door, but Tonya started waving and whisper-yelling his name until he joined her and the other mosquito hunters.

The service itself was nice enough in a Protestant sort of way, complete with a gospel choir and people shouting amen in places that weren’t the ends of prayers. Guillermo kept twitching every time it happened. He just wasn’t comfortable in a church without any statues of the Virgin Mary, or maybe he just wasn’t comfortable being here period. The pastor talked about how Derek was a devoted son and member of the youth bible study group, but Guillermo hadn’t met that guy. As far as he’d known, Derek had been a vampire-hating orgy enthusiast, which was kind of ironic considering just how much vampires loved a good orgy. 

Maybe Derek would still be alive if they’d actually had one. He’d definitely be alive if Guillermo had tried a little harder to talk them out the raid once he realized it wasn’t his house. He’d joined the Mosquito Collectors to keep vampires safe from them and vise versa and ended up slaughtering a house full of innocent vampires and getting Derek killed instead. Someone toward the front of the church began to sob and Guillermo squeezed his eyes shut. _Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa._ God, what was he even doing here?

* * *

The reception after wasn’t quite so bad, or at least the refreshments were good. Made sense considering Derek’s mom was a caterer. Guillermo helped himself to a plateful and slipped a few napkin-wrapped cookies and mini-quiche into his pockets. He joined the rest of the Mosquito Collectors at the far end of the refreshments table and tried to enjoy his snacks while avoiding eye contact. As some of the few non-Black faces and the only ones with a film crew, they kept drawing stares. About ten minutes in, an elderly woman with an enormous church hat came over. 

“Hello. I’m Derek’s grandmother. How did you all know him?”

“Oh,” Shanice said, hurriedly choking down a cookie, “we were all in the Staten Island Mosquito Collectors together.” 

The old woman’s smile grew fixed. “I see. Well, mosquito collecting sounds…fun.”

“It’s a noble calling. Ma’am,” Claude seized her hands, “your grandson was a hero and I promise you, he will be avenged.”

The poor woman’s eyes widened as she yanked her hands back. “Thank you for coming,” she squeaked before scurrying back over to her relatives for a whispered conference. Great, now they probably all thought they were crazy. They probably weren’t wrong.

“Guys,” Guillermo drew them away from the rest of the mourners, “we might want to lay off the whole vengeance thing.”

Claude’s expression hardened. “Our friend was killed by those vile blood suckers. You want to let them get away with that?”

“What? No,” Guillermo lied, laughing nervously, “of course not. I just think we can’t afford to rush into things again.”

“He’s right,” Tonya agreed. “We were so unprepared. We _all_ would have died if it wasn’t for Guillermo.”

Shanice nodded eagerly. “You were so badass,” she said excitedly. “The way you fought your way through the attic and threw me out the window was freaking awesome! How did you do that?!”

Guillermo shrugged uncomfortably. “Practice? It’s not like I’ve never killed vampires before.” 

It wasn’t that big a deal really. He’d just never taken on that many at once, let alone without the home-field advantage. Now that he thought about it, it was pretty badass. He’d never really thought about it like that before. Killing vampire assassins was just another one of the many dangerous, tedious, messy jobs he did around the house, but taking out that nest had been weirdly exhilarating when it wasn’t completely terrifying. 

Claude’s eyebrows shot for the ceiling and Shanice’s jaw dropped. “Whaaaaat?!”

“Yeah, I’m kind of a Van Helsing,” Guillermo said with another shrug. It felt weird just sharing that, but also strangely liberating. Like, yeah, he’d told the camera crew, but he told them everything. “It’s a thing.”

“Wait, so, is that why you have a camera crew?” asked Shanice. “Because you’re a professional vampire slayer and they’re, like, making a documentary?”

“Ah,” Guillermo exchanged a look with the cameraman and silently pleaded with him not to say anything. “It’s definitely vampire related.”

“Dude,” said Claude, “you have _got_ to train us.”

“I—” Should walk away is what he should do. He should just leave and pretend he’d never met them. The whole infiltration and sabotage plan clearly wasn’t working or he wouldn’t have had to murder his way through a house of vampires. Training these guys wouldn’t protect Nandor and the others. All it would do was keep these idiots from ending up like Derek.

One of the mourners was crying again. Guillermo thought it might be Derek’s mom. The grandmother handed her a handkerchief and she blew her nose like a fog horn. He’d always tried not to think of the victims, not to think of their friends or families. It was really hard to do when they were staring him in the face. 

Guillermo’s shoulders slumped. God, he really couldn’t say no, could he? Not unless he wanted their violent and inevitable deaths on his conscious. “Okay, yeah, I’ll train you.” 

This was going to be a disaster, and not just because he had no clue how he was supposed to do it. The other Mosquito Collectors were looking at Guillermo like he was some badass vampire-slaying god, but he mostly just felt like he was going to throw up. More and more lately, he was starting to regret all his life choices.


End file.
